What Gets in the Way of Doing Things We Set Out to Do?

Ever made a plan to do something important to you—like going for a long walk, cooking a nice meal, or reconnecting with an old friend—only to…not? It’s like the moment you set the intention, your brain chimes in with, “Actually, let’s not. Too hard. Too uncomfortable. Too much energy. Pass.”

Though we may beat ourselves up for not doing what we set out to do, avoidance is a behavior that sense, even if it’s ultimately not super helpful for doing what we set out to do. It’s your mind trying to protect you from potential discomfort, pain, or failure. It’s saying, “Hey, that thing might be risky or unpleasant. Let’s keep you safe.” But here’s the catch: avoiding discomfort doesn’t make it go away. Instead, it’s like pushing a giant beach ball under the water. The harder you push, the more energy it takes—and the bigger the splash when it pops back up.

Avoidance keeps us stuck. It can also grow those uncomfortable feelings over time, making it harder to engage with the stuff that fills us up and aligns with our values. So, what’s going on here, and how can we shift?

Why Do We Get Stuck? The FEAR Responses

We often respond to challenges in predictable ways. They make sense—they’re protective strategies! But they can also keep us from moving toward what matters. The acronym FEAR captures four common patterns:

1. Fusion

When you’re fused with your thoughts, it feels like they’re absolute truth. Your mind says, “I’m a failure,” and you respond, “Yep, guess I shouldn’t even try.”

• Thought: “I’m a failure; I’ll never succeed.”
• Response: You take it as absolute truth and avoid applying for that job, calling that friend, or starting that project.

2. Excessive Goals

You aim too high, too fast, setting yourself up for overwhelm or burnout.

• Goal: “I need to fix everything in my life this week.”
• Response: The task feels impossible, so you shut down completely.

3. Avoidance

Avoiding uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, or situations may give short-term relief, but it often deepens the problem in the long run.

• Situation: You feel anxious about socializing.
• Response: You cancel plans, which feels good at first but deepens feelings of loneliness later.

4. Reason-Giving

This is when we justify not following through with our intentions with various excuses. While the reasons may feel valid, they may reinforce avoiding the action even more.

• Thought: “I’m too tired to go for a walk.”
• Response: You skip it, even though movement might boost your energy.

How to Get Unstuck: The DARE Responses

When FEAR shows up, you can DARE to respond differently. These tools, rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), help you move toward your values, even when discomfort is along for the ride.

1. Defusion

Defusion helps you step back from your thoughts, noticing them as mental events rather than facts.

• Thought: “I’m a failure.”
• Response: “Oh, there’s my ‘failure story’ again. Thanks, mind.” Then you take action anyway.
• Try This: Add “I’m having the thought that…” before an unhelpful thought, or imagine it in a silly voice.

2. Acceptance/Acknowledgement

Acknowledge & make space for uncomfortable emotions instead of fighting them. This frees you to take action even when emotions are present. Acceptance does not mean you enjoy the emotion or are at peace with it- you are simply acknowledging its existence.

• Feeling: Anxiety before a presentation.
• Response: “I feel tightness in my chest, and that’s okay. I can bring this feeling with me and still show up.”
• Try This: Notice and label sensations: “I’m feeling tension in my shoulders.” This creates distance from the discomfort.

3. Realistic Goals

Set small, achievable steps toward your values. Build momentum without overwhelm.

• Goal: “I’ll take a walk around the block”
• Response: You’re more likely to succeed, feel a sense of accomplishment, and gain confidence for the next step.

4. Engage

Take action aligned with your values, even if it’s small. Values are like a compass—they give direction, even if the journey feels tough.

• Value: Connection with loved ones.
• Action: You text a friend, even though you’re feeling down or insecure.

A Real-Life Example: Party Invite

You’re invited to a party, but you feel depressed and want to isolate. Here’s how FEAR and DARE might show up:

FEAR Responses:

• Fusion: “I’m no fun when I’m like this. No one will want to talk to me.” You believe this thought and stay home.
• Excessive Goals: “I have to be happy and energetic to go.” This unrealistic expectation makes you shut down.
• Avoidance: “I’ll just stay home; I can’t deal with this right now.” You avoid the discomfort, deepening feelings of isolation.
• Reason-Giving: “I’m too tired, and I won’t have a good time anyway.” You justify skipping it, reinforcing the cycle of withdrawal.

DARE Responses:

• Defusion: “I’m having the thought that I’m no fun. That’s my depression talking, not reality.”
• Acceptance: “I feel heavy and low. I can let this feeling exist and still take small steps toward connection.”
• Realistic Goals: “I’ll go for 15 minutes, grab a snack, and say hello to one person.”
• Engage: You show up briefly, reminding yourself that any action aligned with your value of connection is meaningful.

Why This Matters

Our unhelpful responses—fusion, avoidance, and the rest—aren’t “bad.” They’re our mind and body’s way of protecting us from uncomfortable emotions. But avoiding those emotions often makes them bigger, and can keep us from important experiences.

DARE helps us shift gears. By making space for discomfort and taking small, values-aligned steps, we can move toward what matters, even when it’s hard.

So, next time you feel stuck, ask yourself:

• Am I in FEAR mode?
• What’s one small way I can DARE to move toward my values right now?

You don’t have to push the beach ball under the water. Let it float, take a deep breath, and take one small step forward. You’ve got this. 🌟

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